The biggest check of knowing whether a person is true in his or her
claims about loving you is to see if he does love him/ herself or not?
Wanting some one is not love. Its cathexis.
Not being able to live without some one is again not love. It’s parasitism.
We cannot love others, if we cannot love ourselves well.
Love is when two independent people, perfectly able to carry themselves alone, decide to spend life together. And life means time !
Here is it how it goes. We all claim love or have claimed to love some one in the past. And our first expectation is to know whether the other person loves us back or not, and when we do not receive love back the way we want to, we feel disappointed, unhappy,depressed and sad.
I have met people numbering to literally tens of hundreds saying, quoting, referring, uttering, mumbling and in all manners of vocal expression commenting: we don’t believe if real love exists ? I have observed them, asked more questions from such people. Or they avoid love because they know it would end in some thing unwanted, painful or sorrowful.
We need to talk. We need to be heard. And we are frustrated, angry, unhappy, full of resentment. And we go to an old friend, whom we meet not very often but for some unknown reason consider him an old friend.
And he sits us in. Closes the door. Asks his wife to attend his calls for him. Turns off his cell phone. Makes us some tea. Holds our hand n says: now, what is it ?
The best gift we ever receive from some one is pure time.
During my seminars and training sessions on love, I often ask one question, a very simple question but that truly reflects a lot about us as being loving sons and daughters.
I ask: Do you know the color of your mother’s eyes?
Surprisingly, most of us are not sure or just guess.
If you do really love your parents, take out some time to see what color their eyes have?
Spend no less than five hours of quality time with them, if you say you love them !
Once one of my very good friends got really upset from me. I thought it was her mistake and she was sure it was mine. We did really say things to each other that were not supposed to be said.
We stopped talking. We lost the trust. The communication ended !
But nothing faded in my head, but I could do nothing. Things do not remain the same once we lose people. Though I missed her badly and I was very sure that she did miss me as well.
As they say its life and we get busy and get stuck in our routines but when ever we get free, we feel the ache.
The ache was still there.
And then I came through a quote that said… thirty five years from now, would it still matter that on what issue you got upset ? If it does, then stick to it and if it does not then do what is supposed to be done.
So I picked up the phone and said :” I am sorry and I apologize ! “
Some years back, I completely lost some thing that greatly helped me transform into some one, which later inspired me to start another blog: happiest man on earth.
I lost my will to convince others of my opinion. I stopped going into discussions. I stopped asking questions that were intended to bring the other person to my desired conclusion. I stopped engaging into meaning less talks on politics, sports and movies. I would only want to hear what the other person had to say about a particular event, cause, niche or a social issue.
When I stopped all that mental hassle, I began to see people as they were. Not what I would have tagged them with before my internal transformation, nor what they appeared to be. I began to see people as some thing they could have become.
It wasn’t that I had nothing to say. In fact, with this stopping myself of convincing others, what I had to say grew manifold inside of me. Things began to form links. Events became meaningful. Every new day a certain understanding began to grow.
It was truly hard in the beginning. We are not used to this. We are used to certain neurological responses and behaviors.
We have been raised that way. One such response is immediate comparison and judgment. Our mind takes the following steps, perhaps in a friction of a second.
1. Whenever we hear an opinion about an issue, our mind begins to search whether we have some thing to say about it or not. If its a yes, then second step begins.
2. The next step our mind takes is to compare our existing opinion with what we hear.
3. The next step is to decide whether the “new” opinion goes with our existing one or it goes against it.
4. Since our brain virtually hates creating new neural path ways, it chooses the comfort zone, here in this case: sticking to an existing opinion.
5. Doing the contrary involves very hard and difficult steps. What if the other person is right? Then we would have to mold or reform or re-design our opinion ( all mental hard work for brain circuitry cells again). What if accepting that the other person is right leads us to face another situation, which is more grave for us? Most of people simply do not discuss religion because of this fear that they might be proven wrong and then they would have to accept the truth.
Keeping in mind the hard work in step 5, our brain chooses to stick to existing neural path way associated to already established thought patterns.
The next behaviour is to tell two people that we are right. The first one: our own self. The second person is the one whom we are speaking to.
We want to tell others we are right because our ego has linked being right with a sudden greatness. We think because of our belief systems that to be great, some one has to be always right.
We want to tell ourselves that we are right because then we won’t have to do hard work or re-designing mental patterns and thoughts.
We begin to defend or convince our opinions.
I lost it all. I disallowed my ego of the luxury of wanting to be always right to apparently look great. It involved a lot of mental hard work. Hours of thinking. Tens of hours of mind game practices, but it all was worth it.
Today I have lost it all. I do not want any one to get convinced of my view. I do not even want some one to follow the path I am on. I have now understood that every one is not meant for the difficult walks.
With that losing of will to convince others, I became free. I got rid of comparing myself with others. I did not compare my ideas with others. I read and read and tried to learn, but it was not because of wanting myself to compare, but it was because of pure curiosity.
I lost all unwanted stress. I began appreciating people truly and from my heart. I became highly comfortable with my own self.
I began to breathe !
In our lives, the frequent problem isn’t not loving. It is loving not enough!
We love ourselves enough to appear in a party well dressed and perfumed, yet we do not love ourselves enough to work out.
We love ourselves enough to see and find out if some one loves us, we do not love ourselves enough to reach out to some one who is waiting for love.
We love ourselves enough to perhaps spend a few last days before exams to avoid pain of embarrassment among our peers and class mates. We love ourselves enough to get a degree and do things that some how get us a pass. We do not love ourselves enough to become truly knowledgeable.
We love our kids enough to see if they do get everything they wish for. We do not love them enough to stop them from having something which is harmful for their spirit and soul.
We love our spouses enough to enjoy a movie or a dinner. We do not love them enough to deeply listen to them.
We love our selves to watch out that the document we are sending out is really impressive. We do not love our selves enough to be thorough.
We love some one to wait for him, but we do not love him enough to wait till he is back.
We love ourselves enough to forgive people who have done wrong to us. We do not love ourselves enough to forget them.
The difference is not much. The difference between enough and not enough …is not huge. It is a small difference ignored consistently. A thirty minute exercise missed for years. A habit of book reading missed for years. A habit of not being in the present for a life time. A habit of not being mindful when with some one you love.
Love is small acts done consistently to avoid missing the gap. Love is loving enough!
Have we ever thought about from where we get information about love? Mostly it is from media, movies, romance literature and magazines. Each designed to generate and capture a certain audience. What is the authenticity of the information? Perhaps None. Just because some thing has been widely spread, we tend to accept it.
If you ever made a mistake, a huge mistake and you do not know how to make it right, do the following:
1. Go to that person and with every nerve you have and with every corner of your heart seek forgiveness.
2. Tell that person that you did wrong. And that you are sorry. “I apologize”, you must say.
3. Do not let your ego step in. The other person may be hurt, damaged, woeful and may not believe you in the first place. He may also find it hard to trust you again.
4. If you have to say it many times, say it.
5. Mean what you say.
6. Insist not to have anything further.
7. If he can see through his heart, he would accept it. And you would know it.
8. Do not justify or give reasons or blame. It would mean you are not sorry for what you did, but want to support it with a reason.
9. Seek nothing further.
It is difficult, but one of the greatest acts of love towards two persons: the one whom you owed an apology and yourself.